intimacy in marriage


Women Spell Intimacy T-A-L-K
By Gary and Barbara Rosberg
America's Family Coaches

(c) 2000 by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg
Used with Permission

Barbara Talks to Husbands

Ken is a former Air Force pilot. He knows what he wants and maps out a plan to achieve it. Today is no different. On his way home from work he is driving along, feeling pretty good, whistling and dreaming about his "love pilot" plan.

I'll pull into the garage, walk into the house, and loosen my tie. I'll drop the briefcase, unwind a bit, have sex with Debbie, change into sweats, shoot some hoops, grab the remote, catch some news, and then a close my eyes for a few minutes before dinner.

When Ken got home, he walked in the back door, Debbie looked up, and their eyes met. His eyes pierced hers with "the look".

All day long Debbie had been chasing to keep up with two preschool boys. Her conversations had centered on a fictional purple creature named Barney, and she had dealt with several catastrophes: the belt on the washer had broken, the boys had spilled grape juice on beige carpet, the cat had scratched one of the boys, and Kenís mother had called to say she was coming to visit for a week.

That "look" in Kenís eye was the proverbial straw that broke the camelís back. It put Debbie over the edge! Ken was no longer the companion and confidant she had look forward to all day. He was now...the enemy! His look, that twinkle in his eyes, send any number of possible messages to her: "let me have every bit of the energy you have left." "Let me take everything you have - and leave you with nothing." "Let me be like everyone else and stand in line and take, take, take."

Debbie threw her hands into the air and yelled, "no, not now!" Then she stormed out of the kitchen and went to the living room to sit alone for the first time all day. Normally she was a strong and resilient person, but today she winced back tears. Her fuel tank registered way below empty.

In the air goes the ultimate plan of the love pilot, thought Ken with a sigh. But instead of accusing Debbie of overreacting, he walked into the living room and sat down beside her on the sofa.

"Tell me about your day, Debbie," he said as he gently reached over and put his arm around her.

"I had no idea that parenting the kids would be so hard, Ken. I am so tired of Cheerios and applesauce. I miss talking to adults and having a conversation that isn't interrupted by arguments and coloring books. The house is pitted out. I go from room to room picking up, but I am barely out of sight when they pull out more stuff. I never feel on top of it."

What Debbie needed at that moment from Ken was the safety of being able to unload some of the stress that had been building within her during the day. And because Ken knew his wife so well, because he knew that at that moment she needed connection with him, he sat and listened. As she unloaded, he focused totally on her. Then, after she had talked most of it out and was quieted, he kissed her on the forehead and told her to relax. Then he went into the kitchen, rolled up his shirt sleeves, unloaded the dishwasher of clean dishes, and then reloaded it with the dirty dishes sitting on the counter.

When he was done, he peeked out from the kitchen and said, "Debbie, I know you've had a full day. Just sit for a while. I'm going to take the kids outside to shoot some hoops."

Ken's keen sensitivity and willingness to step in and share the household chores not only validated Debbie's need but also lightened her load. She got some time to herself to refill her empty tank.

After dinner, Ken was still tender, making sure she was doing better. "How are you feeling? Can I get you anything?" he asked at one point. He took her hand and said, "I know how hard you work for our family, and I want you to know how much I appreciate all that you do for the boys and me. You may not think this, but I know that you are the best mom in the world to our boys. I love to watch you with them."

Debbie hugged Ken and said, "thanks, honey."

When the ten o'clock news came on later that night, Ken shut off the TV, got out of his recliner, locked the door, turned off the lights, and plowed up the stairs to crash before another day of work. But as he opened the door to their bedroom, he saw the glow of soft candlelight and Debbie smiling at him from beneath the sheets.

"The night is young, Ken," she said.

Ken wasn't tired anymore.

So, do I have your attention, guys? While men listed sexual intimacy as their number two love need in marriage, women indicated that emotional intimacy was their second most important love need.

Part Two: "Men and Women are Wired Differently"

(Editor's Note:  Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg are America's Family Coaches!  As such, their ministry includes a powerful and yet practical approach to building your family and marriage.  I first heard Gary speak at a Promise Keeper's event.  To this day, his message of "guarding your heart" and "staying focused on your family" has impacted my life.  Both Gary and Barbara are gifted and powerful speakers.  Please take a moment to consider how your marriage can benefit from their ministry, whether through visiting their website, purchasing one of their best-selling books, listing to their popular radio program, or attending a life-changing seminar.  You can also reach them toll-free by dialing 1-888-ROSBERG.)   





(c) 2003 Caton Development, Inc.

marriage intimacy